Best Short Jokes Ever - Exchange

The teenager approached the sales clerk in the dress shop with a large bag. “My mother likes this outfit — may I exchange it?

Stance issues

Roger and Charlie emerged from he clubhouse to tee off at the first hole, but Roger looked distracted.
“Anything the matter?” Charlie asked.
“Na, it’s just that I can’t stand the club pro,” Roger replied.
“He’s just been trying to correct my stance.”
“He’s only trying to help your game,” Charlie soothed.
“Yeah, but I was using the urinal at […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - Ice Fishing

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, “There are no fish down there.”
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.”
He then walked about […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - A Poke

Dale Earnhart, Mark Martin and Gordon are all on a fishing trip. After a few hours and no bites, Dale jumps into the shallow water unzips and waves his jiggly worm around. Pow! A huge bass hits it and he walks to the bank, pokes it in the eye to make it release from his […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - Yeah,Would Happen

There once was a man who decided to go scuba diving one day. So he went to the deepest part of the beach, got on his gear, and went underwater. He decides to go down 20 feet, and there he sees another guy with no equipment on. The man thought this was strange but we […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - A Bad Mistake

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. “Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
“We […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - Buckeyes vs Wolverines!

In the Ohio State Buckeyes locker room in Columbus, there’s a sign stating - “Play like champions today!”
There’s also one in the Michigan Wolverines locker room that says:
“Don’t forget your HELMET!”

Ambitious Computer Tech

An ambitious Computer Tech finally decided to take a vacation. He booked
himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his
life…. till the boat sank. The man found he swept up on the shore
of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas
and coconuts.
After about four months he is lying […]

Three freshman engineering students

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about
who might’ve designed the human body. The first one said, “It must’ve been a
mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff -
a mechanical engineer must have designed all that.”
The second one said, “No, it had to have been an electrical […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - Businessman is dying

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to
promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”
“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”
The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the
Internal Revenue Service. Write […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - Hiring an accountant

Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good
paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his
education, but then asked him, “What is three times seven?”
“Twenty-two,” Kowalski replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have
taken it to the interview!) and realized he […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - DRIVERS

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into
the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole
thing generally looked like an extra in ‘Twister.’ I asked the manager what had
happened. He told me that the driver had set the ‘cruise […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - CLERKS

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed
that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me
that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When
asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - “I define this to be outside!”

A mathematician is in Africa trying to capture a lion. When he spots one he
proceeds to build a fence around himself and says, “I define this to be
outside!”

Best Short Jokes Ever - Quarter of twelve

A mathematician wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling
him, “You’re late! You said you’d be home by 11:45!” The mathematician replied,
“I’m right on time. I said I’d be home by a quarter of twelve.”

Best Short Jokes Ever - ”99 Bottles of Beer” song

”99 Bottles of Beer” song gets stuck in an infinite loop
At the stroke of midnight on 12/31/1999, Windows 99* turns back into DOS 1.0;
the Pentium* V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a
beautiful glass mouse.
Internet Movie Database now lists ”1901: A Space Odyssey”.
Bob Dole’s age erroneously listed with only […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - ”Usenet is like Tetris

”Usenet is like Tetris for people who still know how to read.” — Computer
Museum (Boston)
”Usenet isn’t a right. It’s a right, a left, and a swift uppercut to the
jaw.” — Computer Museum (Boston)
”If you put a billion monkeys in front of a billion typewriters typing at
random, they would reproduce the entire collected works of Usenet […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - A communication technician

A communication technician drafted by the army was at a firing range. At the
range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and 50 rounds. He fired several
shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had
completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his weapon, and then at the target. He […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - What’s the difference

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

Best Short Jokes Ever - Arguing about the sign

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.
What the driver didn’t know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.
Policeman: […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - Touring South America

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - Crossing the border

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. “What’s in the bags?”, asked the guard.
“Sand,” said the cyclist.
“Get them off - we’ll take a look,” said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, […]

Cop wants an excuse

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks “I can outrun this guy,” so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway — […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - UGLY

What do u call something with 4 eyes, 3 noses, 7 ears, and 2 mouths?
UGLY

Best Short Jokes Ever - My last drink

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?” The
man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.” So the bartender brings him
three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then
the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says,
“Sir, I know […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - Lettuce and Minnestoa

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man
came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only
sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole
head, only half. The boy explained that he […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - Eating Alone

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent
the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards
the end of class, the teacher asked his students, “Suppose I asked you to meet
me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes
east longitude…” A student’s voice […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - Twelve Minutes

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He
drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young
man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the
back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - Bad Food

What is worst tasting, a bag of onions or porkloaf?
Porkloaf, why?
Because porkloaf spelled backwards is faolkrop which sounds like fowl crap.

Best Short Jokes Ever - Poland

What do you call a pretty woman in Poland?
A tourist

Best Short Jokes Ever - Careful what you wish for

One day mama bear and papa bear were getting a divorce. The judge decided that baby bear was going to live with mama bear.
Baby bear started to cry . “Whats wrong?” the judge asked baby bear.
“I dont want to live with mama bear, she abuses me!” said baby bear.
“Then, you can live with […]

The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers

Q: Why doesn’t Tigger have any friends?
A: He plays with Pooh

Best Short Jokes Ever - Panda Bear

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The panda yells back […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - What do you get when you cross a Scottish…

What do you get when you cross a Scottish sheep with a Peruvian Mountain Goat?
The Dolly Llama.

Best Short Jokes Ever - Goose Hunting

So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese. He catches one and puts it in his bag with the other geese. Just as he closes the bag, a Hunting Inspector walks up.
“Sir, can I please see that bag?” he asks. “Sure,” says the hunter and hands the bag over.
The Inspector looks […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - Circumcisional Evidence

How do you circumcisce a whale?
With four skin-divers…

Best Short Jokes Ever - Silent Bunny Humping

Why don’t rabbits make noise when they’re making love?
Because they have cotton balls!

Best Short Jokes Ever - Racoon Joke

Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He didn’t, he got hit by a car.

Best Short Jokes Ever - VampireBath

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived in a cave outside of a big city.
One night, one said to a another, “I’m so hungry. I’m going to go get something.”
“No don’t! We have to wait for the others!”
“I don’t care.” And off he went.
About 30 minutes later, he came […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - RobinsMy Yard

I was walking home when I noticed a couple of robins laying down in the sun. I let my talking cats out and the kitten said to her mom, ”I’m hungry!” So the mother cat said, ”What would you like?” The kitten replied, ”I don’t know!”
Then the mother cat looked at the robins and […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - duck walks into a feed

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”
The clerk tells him, ”No, we don’t have a market for it it so we don’t carry it.”
The duck says, ”Okay” and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”
Again […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - A champion jockey is about

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a
new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and
says, ”All you have to remember with this horse is that every
time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’
really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that,
you’ll be fine.”
The jockey […]

Best Short Jokes Ever - Baby sitter

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied, “They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.”

Best Short Jokes Ever - Miracles

After hearing a Bible lesson in Sunday school about miracles, a little girl went up to her Sunday school teacher.

“In my house,” said the little girl, “when handwriting appears on the wall it’s not a miracle, it’s the work of my little brother.”

Best Short Jokes Ever - Same model

A doctor said to his car mechanic, “Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.”

“Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year.”

Best Short Jokes Ever - Fly in my soup

Customer : Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much.

Best Short Jokes Ever - Warning

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

Best Short Jokes Ever - Qualification

Interviewer: what s ur qualification?
Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d.

Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY.

Best Short Jokes Ever - Dancing Kleenex

How do you get a kleenex to dance?

… Put a little boogey in it.

Best Short Jokes Ever - Bigfoot

Why did the runner quit the race against Bigfoot?

He couldn't face defeet!!

Best Short Jokes Ever - Ice Cream School

Q. IN WHAT SCHOOL DO YOU LEARN TO MAKE ICE CREAM?

A. IN SUNDAY SCHOOL :-)

Best Short Jokes Ever - The Right Spy

A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."

Best Jokes Ever - Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris once crossed the road-
No one has ever dared to question his motives.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

There are no disabled people-
Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

When Chuck Norris goes swimming, He doesn't get wet...
The water gets Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once visited The Virgin Islands-
They are now known as The Islands.

Best Short Jokes Ever - Albert's Dictionary

Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no. So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.

Best Short Jokes Ever - Brow Tie

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

Dentist: Wear a brown tie...

Best Short Jokes Ever - Taxi Driver

A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.

"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."

Best Jokes Ever - Tail Gunner

Two men were sitting side by side on an airliner flying from Denver to Los Angeles.

The first man appeared nervous and finally explained that he was being transferred to LA. "I hate Los Angeles," he said. "Everything you hear about LA is bad -- smog, traffic, and worst of all, the crime. Gangs everywhere, people getting shot and robbed, things stolen, car jackings, and everyone hates everyone else."

"Oh, it's not that bad," said the second man. "I live in LA myself. Most of that stuff you read is media hype. It's just not true. You'll find LA is just like any other city, anywhere in America."

"Really?" responded the first. "Boy, that makes me feel a lot better. You say you live in LA -- what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Bud Lite delivery truck."

Best Jokes Ever - Executions

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention-- so he's let go .

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem...."

Short Jokes Man and God

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.

Short Jokes Ever

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

Girl Boy Jokes

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.

Baby Names

A man goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies, “Euro.”
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it’s a currency.
The man says: “What? There weren’t any objections when I called [...]

God is good

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies’ group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made [...]

The Friend

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend.
Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend.
His wife said, “You know, if you go on like this, you’re going to lose ALL your friends!”

Blondes on a Bus Ride

Blondes on a Bus Ride – Blonde Bowling Team
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana . The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top-level.
The Brunette [...]

Wild Ride

On my four-year-old daughter’s first trip to Disneyland, she couldn’t wait to get on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.
When the [...]

Could You Help?

Could You Help?
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked, “Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”
“Of course my child. What can I do for you?”
“Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair remover for [...]

Don’t Mensa your words

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year’s winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start [...]

Redneck Jokes

Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve a Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

Parking Problem Solved

Parking Problem Solved
A pastor of a two-church parish had to drive every Sunday morning
about 4 miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o’clock
at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second
church full, and be forced to park down the road and race to the
church on foot.
The problem [...]

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,
My wife has not talked to me in three days. Last Saturday I escorted
her to buy a dress and finally she chose one she liked, but after
trying it on, she said, “What a pity. This dress is two sizes too
large,” and I replied, “Don’t worry, darling, you’ll grow into it.”

Language Barrier

Asian lady married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever
after in London. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in
English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real
problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She
didn’t know [...]

Dracula Jokes

Q. What did Dracula say after reading Halloween jokes? A. They bite!
Q. Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch? A. At the casketeria.
Q. What is a vampire’s favorite fruit? A: A necktarine
Q. Why doesn’t Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat. A. Because of the [...]

Halloween Jokes

Q. What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!
Q. Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.
Q. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? A. Anywhere where he can boo-gie.
Q. What do ghosts say when [...]

moat

A win-win situation.
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border, take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans, and put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems you have for me to solve?

A leter to the IRS

Dear Internal Revenue Service:
Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe
$3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA
Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the
[...]

My Forgetter

My Forgetter…
My forgetter’s getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, [...]

Silver

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, “Who owns
the big white horse outside?”
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, “I do,…
Why?”
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger [...]

Cursing and Sleeping

Waking up after a restless night, Annie turned to her husband Sam and frowned.
“I can’t believe it! All night long you kept cursing me in your sleep!”
Sam replied, “Who was sleeping?”

Birthday Jokes

A Special Birthday This Week.
Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this week. Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.
They grow up so fast.

Chinese Laundry

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry.
When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. So the next week she encloses a note to the Chinese man that says, “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note [...]

Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words, “A woman without her man is
nothing” on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it
correctly.
The men wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote: “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”

How to avoid the flu

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the
elevator, etc.
Wash your hands [...]

Superstitious

Two robbers were robbing a hotel.
The first one said, “I hear sirens. Jump!”
The second one said, “But we’re on the 13th floor!”
The first one screamed back, “This is no time to be superstitious.”
Superstitious Jokes Superstitious Quotes

The New Boss

The New BossA large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that [...]

Dear Abby

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All [...]

Hot Time in Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and [...]

A tale of a jogger

You see there was this jogger. He was regular in his exercise and
quite punctual.
Every morning he’d follow the same route, passing the same bagel
cart. And each day he’d toss 60 cents onto the counter of the
bagel cart as he passed.
And, no, this does not define a yuppy jog-by coining…
One [...]

A Different Approach?

A Different Approach?
Trying to determine why production had declined in a plant, an
efficiency expert asked the company’s human resources director, “How
many of your employees are approaching retirement age?”
“Well,” replied the director, “we haven’t got any going the other way.”

On Language

Readers of William Safire’s “On Language” column
were asked to provide fresh meanings for stale words.
A sampling of the results:
Alphabet: The most aggressive wager on the table
Approbation: Fear of early release from prison
Bashful: Being harsh or abusive toward someone
[...]

Quit Lookin’ At Me!!

Quit Lookin’ At Me!!
Now, I won’t say he’s neurotic, but he was watching a football game at the college stadium, and every time one of the teams went into a huddle he wondered if they were talking about him.

Jokes of the weak

A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?” The father replied. “Well son, you must have got it
from your mother, because I still have mine.”

Blog of the Day Awards

We won a Blog of the Day Award for our Funny T-Shirt Sayings

I don’t like the looks of your wife

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like
the looks of your wife.” “Me neither doc,” said the husband, “But she’s a
great cook and really good with the kids.”

Cannibals in the workplace

Cannibals in the workplace
Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. “You are all part of our team now,” said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other employees”. The [...]

Juan Gonzalez

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How
was he killed?” asked one detective. “With a golf gun,” the other detective
replied. “A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?” “I don’t know. But it sure made
a hole in Juan.”

Two Lovers

Two lovers left a party and hailed a cab to take them to a romantic hotel in the hills. The driver wasn’t too sure how to get there, so told the couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their destination.
Meanwhile, the lovers couldn’t wait to get busy, so they got down [...]

Political Humor – The Photo Op

The Photo Op
World leaders gathered at the United Nations for its 50th anniversary. 185 of them stood for a group picture.
The photographer made 184 of them smile by asking them to say “foreign aid”.

Skunk

Skunk
I was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio help callers with their home problems. One woman called up hysterical after finding a skunk in her basement.
“Leave a trail of breadcrumbs or cat food from your basement to your backyard,” suggested the show’s host. “That’ll get rid of it.”
An hour [...]

Furniture Moving

Furniture Moving
Co-workers sympathized as a woman as she complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.
“Why didn’t you wait until your husband got home?” someone asked.
“I could have,” the woman told them. “But the couch is easier to move if he’s not on it.”

Mirror Mirror

Mirror Mirror
A woman bought a mirror from an antiques store near her home.
She placed it on the bath room door.
One day when she got out the shower she decided to have a laugh.
She says to the mirror: “Mirror mirror on my door
This has been moved to Mirror Mirror

MURDERED WIFE

The police arrived and found a woman dead on her living room floor with a golf club next to her body. They asked the husband, “Is this your wife?”
“Yes,” he replied.
“Did you kill her?”
“Yes,” he replied.
“It looks like you struck her eight times with this 3-iron. Is that correct?”
“Yes,” he replied, “…but put me [...]

We Are All Players

We Are All Players…
Whenever I’m disappointed with my spot in my life, I stop and think about
little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His
mother told me that he’d set his heart on being in it, though she feared
he would not be chosen. On [...]

Two Loney Guys

Pauly and Maury are having a drink at the bar.
Pauly: “There are two attractive women sitting alone at the bar over
there!”
Maury: “So?”
Pauly: “Well, we are two guys alone sitting over here at a table. What
do you think that adds up to?”
Maury: “Four losers?”

Economics

Economics
Guy: Do you love me?
Gal: Yes.
Guy: Would you be willing to live on my income?
Gal: Sure…if you’d get another one for yourself.

Encouraging Words

Encouraging Words
How are you getting on with your courtship of your girlfriend?
Not so bad. I’m getting some encouragement now.
Really? Is she beginning to smile sweetly on you or something?
Not exactly, but last night she told me she had said ’no’ for the last time!

Perspective

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local
Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my
home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one
of the boys what the score was. “We’re behind 14 to nothing,” [...]

Creation

Creation
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Pauly seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
After school, Pauly goes to visit uncle T.O.P. who suffers from joints
pains and says, “Pauly, can you please bring me a glass of water. I
can’t get [...]

Wake and Bake

Definition
Wake and Bake: to attend an Irish funeral and a cremation in the same day.
(Not to be confused with rising in the a.m. to the smell of marijuana)

Season Opener

Former stripper Anna Benson caught her husband, ex-New York Mets
pitcher Kris Benson, cheating on her and she once vowed that if she
did, she would sleep with the entire Mets organization. So, once
again, the Mets are screwed even before the season starts.
(Alex Kaseberg)

Adoption

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes…
Teacher Debbie Moon’s first graders were discussing a picture of a
family. One little boy in the picture had a different colour hair than
the other family members. One child suggested that he was adopted and a
little girl said, “I know all about adoptions because I was adopted.”
[...]

Best Short Jokes Ever

Great collection of best short jokes ever. All about short jokes, best jokes ever, very short jokes, free short jokes, free jokes.